I understand that we must allow for the open commentary when posting to social media. In my own experience, it's rare that I receive many negative blasts in response to posts. I consider this a good judge of friendships, actually- and I consider myself blessed by those who surround me. Most folks in my circle and extended circle are in that circle because they're kindly folks, who, for the most part, are far wiser than myself.

And, I consider this to be an honor.

Every once in a while, I get slammed and it's always my intention to keep those slams public. If I post it- you have every right to respond, even be it via toxic elitism, verbal slander all while executing your slam with grammatical errors, if you so chose. 

Just be aware that you may not know the full story behind this indecent act which so violently disgraces your own value system and everything you thought you knew about me.

I'm about undergo major surgery a week from tomorrow. I don't expect folks to know this because it's not something I've shared with many folks; it's super personal and I don't feel the need to go in to a whole lot of detail. The purpose for writing this post doesn't come folks not knowing what I'm facing; the issue comes from comments on my public space chastising me for "surprising" choices and changes I've made based on medical necessity- like eating chicken and prepping for a chicken broth diet.

At this point in the game, I'm sort of like the 93-year old Grandma who takes no shit. I've been through enough at this point to know that I am not obligated to honor negative feeds. Say what you like. I'll listen once. And when the judgment is unfounded and unreasonable, I'll end the relationship. Period.  

There's enough dark energy in the world beyond my control: I don't need to further harbor in my world.


Most folks know that I've foregone the eating of meat for years. Some also know I'm a proponent of alternative healing and homeopathic treatments. But when my doctor explains to me that herbal supplements are off the cocktail list for the next month, as they can cause major issues when mixed with anesthesia, guess what? I'm taking them off the menu. And when my doctor explains that my calorie and major protein intake for the next few weeks is of key importance if I'm going to get out of this as healthy as possible whilst coming to terms with the fact that, in these these circumstances, quinoa and kale aren't gonna cut it, guess what? I'm adding chicken and fish to the menu- even if I don't really know how to cook it. Thank goodness for Pinterest recipes.

This has evidently really pissed some folks off- and they feel it a disservice should they not voice that concern...but they also won't take five minutes to pick up a phone and actually ask why they've seen a change.

Strange.

People's diets, lifestyles and choices are sometimes impacted by reasons which remain unknown to us- and are, quite frankly, none of our business. And to critique those changes without having accounted for context and an analysis of those purposes attributed (specifically to medical necessity in my case) is shallow, naive and totally uncalled for, not to mention just a jack-ass move.

I'm going in to major surgery. It's my body. My health and code of ethics, only. One's opinion regarding the matter of my health including my current dietary and physical needs isn't necessary outside of my asking you. My doctor will not make decisions on my behalf unless imperative to survival on the operating table. So, I'm not really understanding why public opinion surrounding issues like my recent ingestion of meat products has validity if it's keeping my blood and protein levels where the need to be.

When you're up next for this kind of treatment, I invite you to cultivate your own diet.

Thank you.

My lifestyle has changed, temporarily. I've done the research. I've sought alternatives and don't feel the need to list those details, findings and practices to anyone, really. I know about Milk Thistle, the Chakras and meditation. I've chosen to marry Western Medical Science with my Traditional Eastern Practices and have a doctor who supports that marriage and even goes out of her way to assist me in combining the two because she gets that I'm a hippie.

Adding meat to my diet has not been an easy choice. It goes against a good number of my values. I don't need a vegan to berate me on Facebook for these "sudden" changes in my diet without having context. It's challenging enough.

Thank you.

Eliminating my physical asana practice from my daily yoga practice has been extremely challenging for me. Yoga Police aren't a "thing" so if you've bestowed this honor upon yourself, do me a favor and spare me your rules of conduct. And to call me a fraud, on my Facebook page is another jackass move. Don't confuse your purity of judgement with context and fact. Context regarding changes is imperative prior to judgement.

Social media has the opportunity to inspire. It provides us a platform through which we are able to share milestones with those we love but are unable to be in our physical presence. It's given us exposure to knowledge, spreads awareness and has the potential to harness sincere love, wisdom and support.

Do that.

If you don't like what folks post or what they write about, unfollow them. Unfriend them. Remove them from your circle. Practice patience and if you feel the need to extend your wisdom sans inquiry, write an angry journal entry and call it good.

We utilize social media for a myriad or reasons. Some we support and some we don't.

It's cool not to support everything. That means you have an opinion. You just don't need to slay and suffocate folks with that opinion all the time.

Save that banter for the social and political rallies. They love that stuff.

I know I sound upset- and I kind of am. It's not cool to place unfounded judgement upon people whose circumstances may be outside of our own understanding.

Dear Bikram Choudhury,

I went to the Doctor the other day.  I've had a cold for nearly one month and an ear infection for nearly two weeks.  Stepping on the scale hasn't really been an issue for me over the last ten years because I've worked hard to maintain the 30 pound loss of weight that I worked my ass off for almost a decade ago.

This time, however, was a little different.  I'd gained some weight.  A lot, actually.  And I wondered how this was possible when I maintain a regular and consistent yoga practice.

And then, I wanted to slap myself.

See, women ask me all the time how much weight they can lose through the practice of yoga.  And, typically, I hug these women and calmly explain that there's no way that I can promise them weight loss.  And, there's no way I can promise them a svelte figure through a practice.

I support women in their practice, daily.  I support women who desire change.  I support them through losses, divorce, break-ups and nasty habits and just bad days.  I also support them in their fight to come Home to their beautiful bodies.  I support their desire for change, growth and healing.  I support these women because I have been in places so dark, I couldn't even find the wall to search for a light switch.  I know what they seek and I have some experience finding the light through my own practice and it makes my heart swell when I can share that with my Sisters.  

I have never practiced your style of yoga- and I'm not all that interested in supporting you, thus I steer far from your method.  See, Mr. Choudhury, you don't practice MY yoga.  What you've brought to this community couldn't be further from yoga, in my mind.  You've raped the purpose of yoga.  That's a strong word and I'm using it in order to make a point.  I've actually lost count of the current number of sexual charges currently held against you and every article I read posts a range of numbers.

That you exploit women through the path of something as sacred as the practice of yoga isn't really all that surprising...I mean, let's be honest, plenty of Spiritual sanctuaries have exploited people in the name of Faith and Practice.  I'm just a lot closer to yoga than anything other Spiritual practice and so, for me, your part in obscuring this practice as a way by which you  cultivate a sexualized damnation against womens' bodies is abhorrent.  

Shame on you, Mr. Choudhury.

This practice isn't about me as a sexually attractive female, with a super-hot body who swoops in to the arms of some perverted Guru. It's about ME, It's about MY space on the mat.  

It's where I talk to God.

It's the space I give myself.  It's where everyone and everything ceases to exist.

It's where I find the strength to push through challenging postures as a way to cultivate that same strength OFF the mat.  

And I wish there were more men who supported women in this practice.  And you had every opportunity to DO that- and you didn't.  You had the charm and the resources right in your hands and you blew every chance you had to be a male role model.  You could have been the man to teach awareness to male teachers.  You could have cultivated a practice that cherished womens' bodies as the Temples they are.  You could have started programs that instilled  self- confidence and support.

You could have been that man.

Thank Siva we DO have those men.   

Sometimes, we must just...

The name of this blog has the word "Crooked" in it for a reason.

I am imperfect.  So's my practice.  So's my language, my being, my center and my chakras.  It's all a little squirrely- and I like it that way.

I write pieces for this blog, mostly for my own selfish intent but also because sometimes, I get a small thank you for having shared the imperfect parts of who I am.  And that inspires me.  I write pieces for this blog because we all have cracks; we are all holding and carrying things that define the not-so-lovely parts of who we are- and I think owning those pieces of who we are is really important.

...and I think owning those pieces of who we are is really important.  

Note that those things do not own us.  We own those pieces.  We acknowledge them.  And we listen to them.

I write pieces for this blog because I enjoy sharing the reality of facing the ugly stuff, appreciating the good stuff and actually using the tools I've met in this practice to help me navigate storms, big and small.  Sure, practice is great when things are running smoothly.  But I find that this practice, for me, is more rewarding when the sun fades and when challenge meets us head-on.

That's when we really make use of these tools.  That's when we see the ugliest parts of ourselves, when we're honest, when we're a mess.  That's when we're brave.  Bravery isn't made up of perfect people living perfect lives.  Bravery is made up of the will to take risks, to face pain and to dance with it.  When we face true fears and when we resign to living in that so that we actually feel so we know what to heal, then, we are practicing bravery.

And that's how you know the gal who writes this blog, the same one who writes about this practice, called Yoga and the tools she's stock piled in her back pocket isn't full of sh*t.  Yoga is real.

This practice isn't easy, physically.  Ya, we all get that.  But when life seems to steam role you, that's when this practice becomes emotionally and mentally challenging.  Meditating when you'd rather sleep is hard.  Practicing when you'd rather have a cocktail is hard too.  I mean, you know the practice is better for you than the cocktail.  But the thing is...the cocktail will make you smile, even if just for a minute.  Practice, on the other hand, will hold you accountable for how you actually feel.  It will pull all that ugly sh*t out of you and you will have to look at it.  You will have to sit with the stuff, the memories and the disappointments and you will have to examine them.

Because that's what this practice is.

A conscious movement to own the ugly stuff, process it and lay it down.

So, just so you know...I practice daily- even when I don't want to.  I don't write this stuff because I think it sounds pretty.  I write this stuff because this is it.  I write about my practice during the good times and I write about the hardest parts of this practice when life gets hard too.  It's not bullsh*t.  It's just life.  And sometimes you have to surrender to life and eat some dirt sometimes.

So, go ahead.  Sit in the hard times.  Take off the armor.  Put the sword down.  And the next time someone tells you how strong you are and to get back up again, smile gently.  Say "thank you for having that kind of faith in me" and then get on the mat.  Face the bad times, dance with them, feel them and acknowledge that some times, on some days, you do not need to be strong.

You can just be.

You can surrender.

So, if you're having a day...do this...

1.  Get on the mat.  Or the earth.  Or the dirt.  Or the floor.

2.  Lay in Sivasana.  Rest on your back, legs long and spread wide.  Allow your toes to drip to the sides and your arms to spread wide.  Keep your palms up should you desire something from above and lay them face down should you need some grounding.

3.  Play this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEvdiF4o3x0.

4.  Be still.  And breathe.

5.  Surrender.

I cheat on my mat. It's true. It happens.

I love Yoga.  I really do.  But maintaining a consistent practice takes a lot of effort.  If Yoga had profile on Facebook, I'd probably change my status to show In A Relationship With Yoga because that's how it feels.

And, like any relationship, Yoga and I have our bouts of challenges.

There are days I look at my mat and wonder if I'm even up to the task.  There are days I look at my mat and compare my want for sleep to the importance of practice, and it makes me feel like a fraud. Sometimes I look at my mat and wonder how it always looks so perky, so ready, so...just...there...waiting.  Sometimes, I wonder what life would look like if I broke it off with Yoga, altogether.

Some days, I make excuses in order to avoid a date with my mat.

I have a headache.

I'm too tired.

I'm not in the mood.

I cheat on my mat.  It's true.  It happens.

And then comes a challenge.

And I remember why I'm in a relationship with Yoga in the first place.

There's something about this practice that allows a challenge to exist, just without the heavy-weighted fear.  Fear exists but it doesn't control me in the same way it did a year ago.

Consistent practice takes faith...faith in the hardest person to have faith in sometimes.  And, that would be Me.  And, faith in yourself has to be enough, at some point, period, crooked crown and all.

Photo courtesy of Pinterest

This practice is like holding up a mirror to the deepest places inside of yourself and recognizing that sh*t's gonna get real, sometimes, and it's not always pretty.  Chair Pose is my nemesis.  We are not friends and when I'm already struggling with something, holding that posture feels like climbing Kathmandu during an ice storm, with nothing more than a toothpick.  This posture forces me to face fear and bite it right back, fearlessly, though not always pretty.  The Asanas challenge stamina, physical prowess and will. Meditation challenges the ability to turn off and just be.  It challenges breath, comfort and it challenges the concept of being really, really, really comfortable with your Self. The ability to see thoughts swimming around up there, acknowledge them and then let them pass by is tough.  There's a lot of stuff up there and it ain't all pretty.

My relationship with Yoga has forced me to face some of the uglier parts of me.

And I'm better off for it.

But it's also done something else...and it wasn't until someone asked me a truly special question that it came to me.

A few days ago, my friend Ryan and I spent a rare day doing everything we wanted, sans schedule, plan or time-constraint.  Yoga might be a bit outside of his daily scope but he's open to my banter, none-the-less.  And while it's not part of his lifestyle, he did, over breakfast, ask me what has become one of the most meaningful questions anyone's ever asked me about my personal experience with this practice.

How did it change you?

It's a simple question, really.  But it was special because it wasn't a question about postures.  It wasn't a question about where I buy my yoga pants or how much weight I've lost since I started this practice. It was a genuine question about how this practice has helped me.  And it was open-ended, like, he kinda wanted to know.

And, the answer came out without a whole lot of thought.

My perspective is different than it was...

And in that space, right after he asked me, I realized how very present I was.  I felt the sun on my arm.  I saw that the sky was clear.  I saw the cup of coffee in front of me.  Redwoods against the backdrop of a blue sky popped with shades of green and the sunlight dripped in the space around me. The air smelled like fresh earth and the moment was so simple and easy.

I was Home.

Six months ago, I would have thought a moment like that was nice.  But today, I let those kinds of moments fill me up. Today, the simplicity of those moments hold power that allow simplicity to drive my sense of happiness. I let these moments swim inside, taking up space.  I let them exist in the present and take in the moment with awe.  We move so damn fast, with so much expectation to make something of ourselves, to be something, to accomplish things, to run faster than the person next to us as evidence that our lives are packed with important things to do and even more important, people to meet. So much so, that when the time comes to sit, we feel pressure to rise back up again, in a quest to meet the next best thing, having missed the opportunity to actually feel and see the thing that exists right now...like air that tastes like sunshine and trees that light up, green against a blue sky, like the person, right in front of us.

I have dreams like anyone else.  I have goals and I treasure those things that light me up, that push me to succeed and to conquer...but the path to achieving and attaining those things have changed. While I still continue to move towards my goals, I find myself walking towards them, now, rather than running; because when I walk, I'm able to see the sky for what it is.  I'm able to actually taste my coffee rather than slam it for fuel.  And I'm able to look at a person who's asked me such a simple question and feel gratitude for having been given the opportunity to acknowledge and describe a desire to appreciate the smaller things in life and feel an inspiration to write about it- and I'm able to actually say thank you.  So, thank you, Ryan.

Change in perspective.  

This is is why I will never break it off with Yoga.  Yoga may not have changed me but it's made me brave.  It's made me willful in my dedication to getting on the mat and grounding up in Chair Pose even when I'd rather cry...or sleep.  It's allowed me to surrender to the things I cannot control and drives me to pursue the things that set me on fire.  It's taught me to slow down and see.  Feel and Be. It's the thing that never falters.  It's the thing that makes me breathe, wake up and see the sun through the fog.  It's the thing that reminds me, no matter what, find a reason to slow down, and, smile...always.

Thank you, Ryan for having asked the question.

Photo courtesy of Brynna Bryant: Respiro Photography

On Loving Meditation (and let's be honest...also men with beards and tattoos)

Look at this photo of nearly 1,000 people practicing yoga:

Photo by Sandhya Dharmadas at the First Annual International Yoga Day in S.F.

Okay, now look at the photo again:

Everyone in this photo is practicing yoga.  

No one's in fancy postures.  No advanced pranayama. Just 1,000 people coming together for a simple silent meditation.

This simplicity is, perhaps, what I love most about this practice.  I mean, look at the photo- it looks pretty simple, right?  Sure, you can master the King of Postures, Sirsasana (headstand) with a diligent practice.  Your forehead might even come to kiss your knees in Paschimottanasana, someday too. These are beautiful postures and they serve us in ways that benefit the length and stability of muscle tone and grounding, renewed oxygen and spinal health...but these coveted postures are not the end all be all of our practice.  A steady meditation practice takes time.  And if you're one whose brain won't stop and you tend to check off your to-do list, mentally, meditation might be that thing that seems unattainable. I'm not living in your head...how dare I assume you're able to get all those thoughts to stop, even if just briefly? If you practice asanas consistently and find that it does the job in terms of blowing off some steam, you might wonder if meditation is really even worth it.

It is.

Give yourself two minutes- just two minutes each morning or evening, to start.  Set a timer, find a spot in which you are allowed complete silence, peace and stillness.  Cross your legs. Count your breath.  Count sheep.  Count the number of cocktails you'll let yourself have when you're done with this practice.  Focus on a word.  Say it over and over and over again, with each breath.  Imagine your favorite place and be still in that place.  Look at a cute bearded man on your Pinterest board and commit his face to memory, so there's nothing else in focus...just for two minutes. It doesn't matter. Just be.  The to-do list will still be there when you're done.  That project you haven't completed, yet for work, will still be there when you're done.  Life will always still.be.there.  It's not the task itself that matters...it's the way we process and perform those tasks.  And life. Period.  Take two minutes to shut.it.down, be still and with some practice, you might find that the drive for speed becomes less important and that you're actually able to do more by slowing down.  Coming to a meditative posture is similar to showing up on the mat for asana practice.  A good teacher will tell you that it was never the postures that mattered, really...it was the fact that you just showed up that really mattered.  Just getting in to Easy Pose is enough to inspire, my friends. Trust me, it's enough.

Take these two minutes and breathe.  Just breathe.  Focus on your word, handsome face or cocktail, just as long as it's the only thing in your mind.  Practice often enough and one day, after two minutes, your timer will go off and you'll come to find a little present...one day, you will have thought of absolutely.nothing.for.two.whole.minutes.  

And you will smile. And you will meet your to-do list with a calmed sense of mind.  Better yet?  That to-do list won't feel so daunting.  Wahlah- welcome to meditation.

This is my beautiful friend and teacher, Rachel Koontz sittin' pretty in Sukhasana (Easy Pose)  I love her small smile in this sweet pic.  This is what it looks like when you leave the to-do list...just for a moment... and it's beautiful.

Photo courtesy of Lucid Reflections

Sukhasana or 'Easy Pose,' is really anything but easy for a good many of us. 

 And, that's okay.  You gotta give it a hot minute.

And to be quite frank, after fifteen years of this practice, I still find meditation to be, at times, the most challenging part of my personal practice.  While I do love a good, solid push through a 60-minute flow class, it's the stillness of meditation that has become the most valuable piece of my daily practice. 

Co-author of the book, Wanderlust: A Modern Yogi's Guide to Discovering Your Best Self, Brook Cosby writes this about the benefits of meditation:

Photo taken form Jeff Krasno's book, Wanderlust: A Modern Yogi's Guide to Discovering Your Best Self

Practicing the stillness of a simple seated posture took some time.  When I took this part of practice more seriously, I noticed something funny and maybe a touch sad.  I actually began to feel guilty for the time spent, here, in this small little space.  Thoughts gathered, spun and flew.  Emotions were stirred and memories became my very breath...until one day someone suggested a technique that changed everything: "give yourself permission to witness those thoughts and distractions and then give yourself permission to let 'em go right on by.  And never judge yourself harshly by the thoughts that arise."

And breathe.

Don't spend precious prana or energy pushing your thoughts and stories away.  Rather, acknowledge them with kindness and allow them to exist.  And then allow them to simply float by.

I know.  I know.  It sounds really simplistic.  And that's kind of my point: GET SIMPLE.  To see those things that distract me from the present and see them gently and with a sense of kindness has been a challenge for me.  It's taken a lot of practice for me to see some of these thoughts, memories and distractions with a sense of kindness. There's actually a sense of guilt too.  I won't lie.  To sit quietly for just 10 minutes twice a day has taken some work.  To remove a sense of guilt for allowing myself the time has also taken some effort. We get so caught up in pace.  We're led to believe that the faster we move, the more we accomplish, the more space we fill our days with equates to how successful we are.  And, I think it's hogwash.  It's become a race to the line and we find ourselves so proud when folks say comment "How's she get so much done?"  It's this pressure to do that takes us away from the being part of life.

Two minutes.  Set the timer.  Shut.It.Down.  Do it right now.  Just be.

And then, hell, go ahead and rock it in your Headstand, just 'cause it's fun.

Love and Light,

B

A Letter to My Tribe and Teachers.

Early February 2015

It's midnight.  Probably past midnight.  I'm in bed.  My mom is beside me. No words are exchanged because there's no point.  There's nothing to say anymore.  No more questions to ask.  No more tears. It's just the two of us in silence.  And despite my pride, I am grateful that she's with me in this bed. I'm too old for this.  Too old and mildly ashamed by the brokenness in this place.  I know how it happened- there's no mystery there.  And, there's shame because I know the broken pieces are here because it was me who broke them.

I'd asked for all of this...and now, manifested, I'm not sure I expected it all to go down quite like this. I see, now, the power of the things we wish for, the reality of manifestation.

I cannot begin to formulate a plan, now, because I can't see past the broken pieces.  There are just too many.  And the harder I try to formulate reason, the more stuck I am in this place.

Valentine's Day 2015

I'm packing up my things. It's Valentine's Day and I'm packing my life up in boxes.  He's not here, thank God, and I have some space to let this sink in.  Not just this but the whole of everything.  I have not cried yet, today.  I'm too swept up in the reality of the need to get my things sorted and packed. Boxes are piling up and I can't believe this is my journey, now.  I will not see him for any other version of "goodbye" and I know that's okay because I did this.  

I broke it.

They say it takes two to Tango- but it only takes one to break it all apart.

Trust me.  

Just one.

The two part only matters when you're dancing.

When there's no more dancing- that's when it only takes one.

And so, the boxes are packed.  The house is cleaned.  Beers are consumed and I take moments to sit in this house, one last time.  In front of the sweet stove, where we had our first fire.  I was so excited to feel the chill in the air knowing this stove was around.  I sit on the porch swing, in the back, recalling happier times when I couldn't wait to walk back in to the space that we'd created.  And now, I just wanted to run as fast as I can, from this place.

Late February 2015

Is it possible that yoga can actually save your life?

No. I mean, really.  For real.

I think it can because these classes are what give me my breath back.  

I'm not sure why I cry most of the time in Savasana but I do.  In the calm, just a small sadness because I cannot lose it, totally, with all of these people here.  But I cry most times, in this posture. 

We come to a simple seated posture, Sakhuasana.  And hands to heart, thumbs moveto lips, so that we are reminded to always speak in kindness.  Thumbs to forehead, so that we are reminded to think thoughts of kindness, not just to those around us but also...to ourselves.  We close the practice with three Oms: once to the world, once to those in our circle and one last time, to ourselves, expressing gratitude for having practiced because when all is said and done, this practice makes us better people.

This practice makes us better people.

So that we can be better to people, in return.

I want to teach yoga.

The thought wont let go.  I am still on the mat as people are shuffling to get out.  Mats are rolled and blocks are placed in stacks.  The blinds are draw, letting in the light and footsteps are gently pressed against the wood paneling of the floor.  This has become one of my most favorite sounds, these feet on the wood.  Like rain against a window pane.  I love this sound.  But the thought is still swimming up there.

I want to teach yoga.

I can teach yoga.

I will teach yoga.




My last day, at my job, was April 3rd, 2015.  In May, I would venture off to an intensive, month-long yoga teacher training immersion program.

And it would change everything.

The training was to be held locally, though I'd be camping for over 30 days straight.  I was fearless at the onset, having no idea what I was getting myself into.  I was moving to an Ashram for over 30 days. Some folks wore all yellow.  Some folks wore all orange.  Lots of folks wore yellow and white and I wondered, for a minute, if I'd stepped in to a cult.

Had I done some research about Ashrams, I may not have been so side-lined,  I may have prepared myself more appropriately.  But I'd jumped in, with no prior experience at an Ashram and have decided, I am better off for it.

The second week was, by far, the most challenging, emotionally- and I wasn't alone.  It became clear that no one really comes to know yoga when their life is perfect.   Most of us met yoga when we'd needed it most, in the darkest of places.  Yoga has a funny way of knowing that about you, ahead of time.  One day I 'll write a book about what leads folks to yoga, and I can promise you, Reader, that it will be tales of woe that led us to this practice.  Most of us find yoga because we need what it is, not because we feel amazing in really cute yoga pants and have (finally) found a place where we can finally show off the fact that our back fat's receded and the pretty pink sports bra we just bought accentuates our well-defined back muscles.

Yoga is no joke, my friends.  It will push you to places that are really uncomfortable, not just physically.  Yoga is not just about learning to contort your body in to positions you once thought unattainable.  Yoga is this world, filled with community, strength, meditation, a search for refining yourself and somehow it makes you want to actually BE a better person.  It makes you stronger.  It rebuilds your foundation.  It refocuses energy.  And it you're lucky enough, it connects you to a community with whom you can share histories, passions, transgressions, humiliations, sorrows and that same community will assure you that you are just fine- and that you were always just fine.  It's just that you just had some lessons to learn.  And when you find the right spot, the right studio, the right community, you will explode in to BEING.

You will explode in to the being you were all along but lost...just for a time.

The right community will help guide you through a really uncomfortable transition and they will support this blossoming of personage.  They will be your support.  They will make you want to be a better version of yourself.

Teacher Training wasn't easy and it certainly wasn't always pretty.  But it was necessary- and I go so far as to say that this group of people, this Tribe of mine, helped redefine some purpose for me.  They gave me my light back.  They gave me my breath back.  The teachers gave me my foundation back.

I love this silly and profoundly beautiful group of people.  YOU changed my life- and I am better off because of you.  Sivakami, here is the letter I was never brave enough to read, aloud, to you all:

Dear TTC Family (Teacher Training Course),

We teach others.  Actively be the bliss you seek.  Teach others the tools first, and then lead them to practice.  Instill in students the practice and then support them on the journey.  BE that journey.  You will fall sometimes.  And you will be tempted, but stay the course.  BE the example.  BE the person you so wish you could be.  Just decide.  Just do it.  What do you have to lose?  You've tried other personalities. Other strengths, and they've failed you, so quiet the external noises and the focus of your intention to be the person you admire.  BE the person whose heart melts yours.  Be Him.  Be Her.  I'm telling you.  Just decide to be that person.  Make the conscious effort.

Perhaps, when you arrived here, you were broken, like me.  Or perhaps, you were cracked and this journey broke you open, like me.  We must break in order to be healed.

I love you,

Omkari

And So A Journey Begins...

Tonight will be my last night sleeping in a bed, for a month.

It's by choice but still an odd reality to consider.

As one who typically rises with the sun, this morning I opted to leisure in bed, just a smidge longer than normal, taking in the softness of a mattress beneath me, the light filtering through the window, and the weight of blankets piled on top of me.  I wanted to take those moments with me as I step in to the light of a new adventure: one that will find me sleeping in a tent for 30 days for what I anticipate to be one of the most emotionally challenging and tactically rewarding adventures I've ever been crazy enough to attempt.  And if you know me- you know my kinda crazy.

For those who know me well, you know the last few years have met me with more challenges than I thought possible to carry at one time.  I've not handled all of these challenges with the grace and composure of a true lady- but I have handled them.

And I am humbled by those losses, heart break, medical issues and a few bouts of darkness.

And now, I find myself so very close to the light at the end of the tunnel in a final pursuit of a path that has been chasing me for years.  I've seen this path and I've touched on the bridge and walked away again and again out of fear.

But what's more terrifying than an unmet life?  What's more heart breaking than coming to your end and realizing your efforts in attaining something other than your passion have built you a very shallow grave in which you must ponder all of the chances you never took?

Life is filled with poetic means by which we symbolically illustrate the ways we get through the tough times.  Pinterest is filled with pretty images that help inspire us to meet our edge and overcome challenges.

But to be real for a sec, sometimes the sh*t just smells really bad.  And it's not pretty.  It's not charming or graceful. It's just sh*tty.

But to wade through it and to come to a place of total, brazen acceptance for what it has been one of the most painful and amazing lessons I've learned, yet.

I'm not sure I've encountered the right words by which I might express the gratitude I feel at this very moment, for an opportunity to meet my dreams, literally, head-on, away from my support system, away from social media, electronic devices, away from friends and family.

Lots of folks talk about how yoga has "changed them," and it's not for nothing.

Yoga may not have changed me but it has done something even more powerful.  It's met me at the bridge, held out a hand and walked me half way over the bridge.  This practice has become a greater love than anything I have ever known.  It has taught me the power of service, strength and to be honest, it's taught me the meaning of bliss.  It's reminded me that every facet of the person I want to be already exists.  She's already here.  I just need to really listen to what she wants.

Bliss is real.  Attaining it is possible.  It just doesn't always come in the forms we anticipate.  And some of us just have to work harder through things in order to grasp the tangible and internal version of that bliss.

Let me tell you, it's terrifying to be here and imagine never having taken the risk.  No longer bound by normalcy or someone else's expectations, I've met the greatest freedom, yet.

And so, out of the sh*t, something has bloomed.  And as my best friend, Adrianna would say, I am finally choosing to listen to those clues which are setting me up for a new path.

I've called this blog "Crooked Yoga" for a reason.  Despite the knowledge and experience we attain, we are never perfect.  I do not intend to strive for perfection because that would be boring and it's never served me well in the past anyway.  So, in my effort to chuck perfection aside and strive for whatever it is that's out there waiting for me, I invite you to follow me on the journey where I meet my edge, cry on the mat sometimes and hi-five myself in the mirror when I fly in poses like Crow and nail a worthy Headstand every once in a while.  And this non-perfection is perhaps the greatest gift yoga's given me: the sight to see the success when we move through the crooked path, rise when we fall and breathe when we think there's not a breath left.

Cheers peeps.  May we all be the seed that sprouts from the sh*t.

Namaste.  For real.