Tonight will be my last night sleeping in a bed, for a month.
It's by choice but still an odd reality to consider.
As one who typically rises with the sun, this morning I opted to leisure in bed, just a smidge longer than normal, taking in the softness of a mattress beneath me, the light filtering through the window, and the weight of blankets piled on top of me. I wanted to take those moments with me as I step in to the light of a new adventure: one that will find me sleeping in a tent for 30 days for what I anticipate to be one of the most emotionally challenging and tactically rewarding adventures I've ever been crazy enough to attempt. And if you know me- you know my kinda crazy.
For those who know me well, you know the last few years have met me with more challenges than I thought possible to carry at one time. I've not handled all of these challenges with the grace and composure of a true lady- but I have handled them.
And I am humbled by those losses, heart break, medical issues and a few bouts of darkness.
And now, I find myself so very close to the light at the end of the tunnel in a final pursuit of a path that has been chasing me for years. I've seen this path and I've touched on the bridge and walked away again and again out of fear.
But what's more terrifying than an unmet life? What's more heart breaking than coming to your end and realizing your efforts in attaining something other than your passion have built you a very shallow grave in which you must ponder all of the chances you never took?
Life is filled with poetic means by which we symbolically illustrate the ways we get through the tough times. Pinterest is filled with pretty images that help inspire us to meet our edge and overcome challenges.
But to be real for a sec, sometimes the sh*t just smells really bad. And it's not pretty. It's not charming or graceful. It's just sh*tty.
But to wade through it and to come to a place of total, brazen acceptance for what it has been one of the most painful and amazing lessons I've learned, yet.
I'm not sure I've encountered the right words by which I might express the gratitude I feel at this very moment, for an opportunity to meet my dreams, literally, head-on, away from my support system, away from social media, electronic devices, away from friends and family.
Lots of folks talk about how yoga has "changed them," and it's not for nothing.
Yoga may not have changed me but it has done something even more powerful. It's met me at the bridge, held out a hand and walked me half way over the bridge. This practice has become a greater love than anything I have ever known. It has taught me the power of service, strength and to be honest, it's taught me the meaning of bliss. It's reminded me that every facet of the person I want to be already exists. She's already here. I just need to really listen to what she wants.
Bliss is real. Attaining it is possible. It just doesn't always come in the forms we anticipate. And some of us just have to work harder through things in order to grasp the tangible and internal version of that bliss.
Let me tell you, it's terrifying to be here and imagine never having taken the risk. No longer bound by normalcy or someone else's expectations, I've met the greatest freedom, yet.
And so, out of the sh*t, something has bloomed. And as my best friend, Adrianna would say, I am finally choosing to listen to those clues which are setting me up for a new path.
I've called this blog "Crooked Yoga" for a reason. Despite the knowledge and experience we attain, we are never perfect. I do not intend to strive for perfection because that would be boring and it's never served me well in the past anyway. So, in my effort to chuck perfection aside and strive for whatever it is that's out there waiting for me, I invite you to follow me on the journey where I meet my edge, cry on the mat sometimes and hi-five myself in the mirror when I fly in poses like Crow and nail a worthy Headstand every once in a while. And this non-perfection is perhaps the greatest gift yoga's given me: the sight to see the success when we move through the crooked path, rise when we fall and breathe when we think there's not a breath left.
Cheers peeps. May we all be the seed that sprouts from the sh*t.
Namaste. For real.
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